Going thru depression alone is hard. Trying to get out of depression alone is even harder. I am 2-3 months removed from any meds and the people in my life do not seem to understand what I’m going through. When the suicidal thoughts kick in, if I voice them…I’m told that I’m stupid or dramatic. There must be someone out there that understands what it feels like to think “everything would probably be better for everyone if I were just dead” YET also feel as though you would NEVER do such a thing to yourself. In fact, I don’t want to be dead at all. I want to live in happiness and be this joyful person everyone else wants me to be. The problem is that I don’t know how to just snap outta these feelings. I don’t know how to feel so unhappy and miserable on the inside and pretend that I’m happy on the outside. I don’t want to pretend….I want to actually “feel” happy! I want for the people around me to understand that I’m going thru something that’s a bit heavier than they can comprehend and give me some time to come out of it. Instead I’m never given a chance. They expect me to change, yet give me no time to do so. The slate is never wiped clean. Everything I’ve ever said in anger or sadness is always there and ready to be held over my head. I feel like I could never escape their definition of who I am. They just automatically expect me to be “this way” and they don’t let go of that expectation. When I feel like I’m making progress, they show me that they only see me in the same light as always and I feel defeated once again. Futile Efforts. I’m exhausted from the struggle of who I want to be, who I am, and who everyone else wants me to be. I know I can’t please everybody…but I also know that I can’t possibly be pleasing God with all the thoughts in my head :(
I really need to blog more on here….I have to have an outlet for all these thoughts before they consume me and every last drop of happiness that could be left in me.
i’m aware this page is very depressing…..welcome to my life.
Heard this song not long after my last post….feeling like it’s a sign and I need to listen to this song more often!
nothing you say or do is ever right?
“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”
I hear that quite often. I’ve been struggling with this all my life. I either “have an attitude” or speak too “bluntly”. Either way, the way I talk and communicate obviously leaves a few certain people angry with me.
What I don’t know…is how to change myself. I mean, if I’m not “intending” to be a bitch, but am perceived that way…How am I supposed to stop it before it happens? My mouth has ALWAYS gotten me into trouble…at school, at home…it’s nothing new. How do I slow myself down enough to think about what I want to say, how to say it, and how to please the person I’m saying it to all at the same time?
On the other hand, isn’t a fair argument to say that I am who I am? If I’ve always been this way and have been since you’ve known me, then how can you ask me to change now? I could try being more “thoughtful” but truthfully, I am VERY thoughtful when it comes to the people in my life. I feel like I’m always thinking of them when it comes to doing nice things for them or to surprise them, big or small. I definitely don’t like to hurt my loved ones’ feelings, so its not like I’m being this way to get a rise out of people or anything like that. I just feel like I’m the kind of person who can’t hide their true emotions. If something happens that upsets or irritates me, I react as such. So why do people get mad at ME for getting irritated with THEM? I don’t understand….
I’ve had some counseling to deal with my stress, I’ve even thought of hiring a life coach to “fix me”. I’ve read positive attitude books and it all sounds great, but that doesn’t come natural to me. I AM what comes natural to me….and that is just obviously not enough for some. It amazes me that all the good things that I do, can be totally dismissed by a tone in my voice. Is it really the attitude in my voice that bothers you, or is it more that you can’t stand me?
…..Then why choose me?
I’m really very sick of feeling like a failure.
I’m sick of people that don’t even “LIKE” me claiming to love me or be my friends.
I’m sick of never saying the right thing in the “right” tone of voice.
I’m sick of being misunderstood.
I’m sick of everyone who should know me and know my intentions treating me like I’m their enemy.
Being sick of the way people perceive me, is making me sick of ME.
From there, I don’t know what to do … don’t know how else to “be”.
Maybe I just shouldn’t….
Better the devil you know….
Than the devil you don’t.
you know what it is…